Secure Your Own Oxygen Mask First: The Wisdom of Being Selfish

 

“In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling above you.  Please secure your own mask before attempting to assist other passengers.”

 

We have been taught that it is wrong to be selfish, that we should put the needs of others before our own.  And while we have been given, and absorbed, these lessons in varying degrees (e.g., girls are more actively conditioned to be selfless than boys; empaths take this teaching in more deeply than narcissists), we celebrate individuals who risk themselves in service of others.  Selfish is a dirty word.

But what if in order to be truly be of service, in order to actually help others wisely and well, we must first consider our own needs?  The person who takes the time for self-care, who secures her own oxygen mask, creates the strength and abundance that are necessary to be able to give.  When we give at our own expense, we deplete our reserves and the giving is short-lived.  But when we take the time to fill our own cup, and keep filling it, our offerings come from the overflowing, rather from the scarcity.

♥ ♥ ♥

Rafia Rebeck, MEd, MA, LPC, is trained in the Hakomi Method of Psychotherapy. She offers a warm, sincere, and safe approach for those who seek personal transformation through mindfulness. Please feel welcome to get in touch by contacting rafiarebeck@gmail.com.  If this blog postcard was meaningful for you, please feel free to share it with others who may benefit.

Letting Go of Your Agenda

DSC_0003

I recently attended a workshop where I deepened in my understanding of the importance of nonviolence in therapy by experiencing its opposite. A facilitator without any training in human psychology or therapeutic ethics, who has positioned himself to train healers in how to work with grief, approached his “client” (a volunteer from among the workshop’s participants) from a place of arrogance and control.  He was the Healer, she was the Broken One.  When the client answered his questions about a very personal and tender life experience, he called her answers “trite” and probed until he got the responses he wanted.  When she objected to his use of a sexist construct in how he was framing her experience, he stated that her “resistance” was evidence that he had chosen the right words, that her being triggered was proof of his theorem.  When tears welled in her eyes, he failed to tend to her immediate experience and instead spoke to the other workshop participants about how “someone who is not ready for healing cannot be healed.”  He completely ignored his seat of positional power and failed to tend to the human being in his care.  She and I found the courage to walk out together, fully aware that our unwillingness to accept this aggression would stand as further proof of our “emotional instability” and “lack of openness to let go.”

“Violence in therapy is not just deliberate, physical harm.  It is a failure to accept the whole person who is client, a person with his own story, her own ideas, images, needs, wishes, capacities, pace.  Violence is being too much stuck in yourself and your own agenda to really be healing for another.”  ~Ron Kurtz

Nonviolence in the practice of psychotherapy is an attitude held by the therapist that sustainable progress cannot come from force, that the subtle tendencies of our hearts and minds are too intelligent, too complex, too agile to yield to the imposition of someone else’s agenda (in this case, the therapist’s).  It is sitting with patience, reverence, and curiosity in the presence of one who may appear shelled-up or guarded but who undoubtedly is a harbinger of great wisdom.

It is my great sadness that such abuses of power and violations of human integrity occur within the field of psychotherapy.  It is my prayer that all beings find the courage and strength to see through such mechanisms of control, to trust their own inner guidance, and to find helpers on the path who respect their dignity and inherent intelligence.

The undefended heart

undefended heart

The undefended heart is not fragile.  In fact, it is the opposite of fragile, because it welcomes and experiences the full impact of being human.  The undefended heart doesn’t hide from grief or despair, nor does it shield itself from joy.  It simply flows in the stream of What is Actually Happening.  The undefended heart is not at the mercy of life.  It knows to seek shelter in a thunderstorm and to draw a blanket around itself when the wind blows, but it does not run for cover in a soft spring rain or build a fortress to keep out the breeze.  The undefended heart knows that it is worthy of protection, but not at the expense of being fully alive.