If It Isn’t Kind, It Isn’t True

Clients often try to convince me of how terrible they are, that they are uniquely selfish or jealous or angry or impatient or irritable or irrational or unworthy or needy or controlling or boring or or or or or or or . . .  It is as if the part of our brains responsible for negative self-appraisal sits alone in a tower of Eternal Punishment with no sense that every other human brain has this same part locked in a very similar tower.  From the brain’s negativity bias (a powerful evolutionary adaptation that has us scan for threat and focus on danger / negative feedback in order to stay safe and maintain connection) comes the ultimate in isolation: it becomes very difficult for us to witness ourselves honestly, without getting locked in a tower of our own shame.

A big part of my work with clients (and with myself) is helping them learn to notice with kindness.  In my office, I have a saying: “If it isn’t kind, it isn’t true.”  This is not a clever form of therapeutic denial.  In fact, I want my clients (and myself) to develop a raw and vulnerable form of self-honesty.  But when cruelty accompanies our noticing ~ especially our self noticing ~ it impedes our ability to see clearly.  And there is always a kind way to notice and name reality.

♥ ♥ ♥

Rafia Rebeck, MEd, MA, LPC, is trained in the Hakomi Method of Psychotherapy. She offers a warm, sincere, and safe approach for those who seek personal transformation through mindfulness. Please feel welcome to get in touch by contacting rafiarebeck@gmail.com.  If this blog postcard was meaningful for you, please feel free to share it with others who may benefit.

Thwarted: When Life Doesn’t Go Your Way

A friend recently told me a story.  When her niece was 8 years old, the child was out at a restaurant with her family.  At some point during the meal, the child’s parents said “no” to something she had asked for, and with the type of sincerity and intensity of purpose that only a child can muster, she threw herself onto the floor and into a full-blown, kicking-and-screaming tantrum. She really, really wanted that thing.

And from her longing, and through her tears, she sobbed one of the most poignant sentences I’ve ever heard:  “I never always get everything I want all of the time!”

Who among us has not felt this way?  For me, the precision of this girl’s description of her agony ~ that life does not always, or often, deliver us exactly what we want ~ captures a tender aspect of the human predicament.  I can find this voice inside of myself.  Our expectation, our demand, that life give us what we want is a source of profound suffering.  However, if we take this truth as the Only Truth, we risk falling into the equally insufferable fallacy that we can never hope for anything from life.

A wise friend once captured the fragile balance ~ between our always-wanting and the sometimes-yes-sometimes-no of the universe: “Allow your longing to increase, for surely you can have some of what you want.”

♥ ♥ ♥

Rafia Rebeck, MEd, MA, LPC, is trained in the Hakomi Method of Psychotherapy. She offers a warm, sincere, and safe approach for those who seek personal transformation through mindfulness. Please feel welcome to get in touch by contacting rafiarebeck@gmail.com.  If this blog postcard was meaningful for you, please feel free to share it with others who may benefit.

Grieving from the Inside Out: Part 1

This entry is the first in a two-part series called “Grieving from the Inside Out.”

For just a moment, right at the beginning, right when the ending becomes clear, when beginning and ending are holding hands and not yet ready to let go — the ending of what you love and the beginning of that long slow journey through heartbreak — you taste clarity.  It is momentary and precious and profoundly important, because without this glimmer, the descent into the necessary darkness would be unbearable.  I don’t know where it comes from, or where it goes, but there is a voice in that moment that whispers the eternal truth: “You are ok.”  You drink in that clarity because you have done this — grieving an unimaginable loss — enough times to know that the clarity is not yours to keep, not right now.  You have to let it go, because letting go is what is being asked of you.

♥ ♥ ♥

Rafia Rebeck, MEd, MA, LPC, is trained in the Hakomi Method of Psychotherapy. She offers a warm, sincere, and safe approach for those who seek personal transformation through mindfulness. Please feel welcome to get in touch by contacting rafiarebeck@gmail.com.  If this blog postcard was meaningful for you, please feel free to share it with others who may benefit.